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Klingon fairy tales, including “The Hare Foolishly Lowers His Guard and Is Devastated by the Tortoise, Whose Prowess in Battle Attracts Many Desirable Mates” and “Mary Had a Little Lamb. It Was Delicious”. These are best when you think of them as spoken by Worf from ST:TNG.
Andrew Hearst dreams up some magazines covers done in the style of George Lois, who created several memorable covers for Esquire magazine in the 60s and 70s.
Ten precepts from The Art of War that never made it past Sun Tzu’s editor. Ex: “When you sally forth to meet the enemy, show your contempt for him by the haughtiness of your prance”.
Explaining what a scientist is using Goofus and Gallant as an example. Goofus and Gallant have also been pressed into service to explain 21st century etiquette, politics, and journalism.
The Onion: Police Search of Backpack Reveals Explosive Bestseller. “The Union Square bestseller is the latest in a series of dramatic items discovered in New York since random subway bag searches began. On July 27, a hip-hop CD containing over 75 F-bombs led to the suspension of train service for 18 hours.”
Why do people laugh? It’s a way for humans to bond, a sign that the danger has passed, or to feel superior to others. New Yorker cartoon editor Bob Mankoff is also doing research on humor.
Some lesser-known prequels to popular movies, including There Are Plenty of Mohicans and Triassic Park.
“The hairy ball theorem of algebraic topology states that, in layman’s terms, ‘one cannot comb the hair on a ball in a smooth manner’”. Heh. Looks like Wikipedia has some new measures in placeto deal with spam/trolls: “This page has been protected from editing to deal with vandalism.”
Obscenities uttered by Jesus Christ. “Holy Mom, mother of me.”
Design critique of the alphabet. “Puhleez! The capital I without the crossbars top and bottom is either the laziest piece of design in history, or an elegant stroke of modernism. With the crossbars it’s just clunky, boring and awkward. The lowercase i is kind of cute with that little dot, I suppose, but I’m not really buying it. This one should have never made it out of the comp stage.”
Our Global Food-Service Enterprise Is Totally Down For Your Awesome Subculture. “In fact, the crazy, unique, cutting-edge stuff you’re into now? The entire management team here in the North American headquarters was totally into that sh*t a couple months ago! No lie, dawgs.”
Latest David Sedaris in the New Yorker. What do you care what it’s about? It’s David Sedaris. Just go read.
Ever wonder what the world’s best palindrome is?. “My girlfriend has a freaking weird name: Eman Driewgnikaerfasahdneirflrigym.”
Twelve Sequels to Dances With Wolves That, Due to Monetary Constraints, Were Never Produced. “Runs Into at Safeway and Has Some Explaining to Do to Wolves”.
Misleading article on how to look like a Unix guru. I thought this was going to contain advice on maintaining a long, gray beard and such.
Table of contents for The Complete Norton Anthology of Emily Dickinson, Post-Zoloft Prescription. Includes “Oh, the ice cubes are melting” and “Today’s a good day for stuff”.
Apple announces the Harper’s Special Edition iPod. “Number of media legends who came together to create this exciting new Apple product: 2. Chance that literary-minded American consumers will find this new iPod impossible to resist: 1 in 1.”
Paul’s really personal Google News. “Paul comes late to work, again”.
Some changes coming to Sesame Street. “After destroying several garbage cans due to rage issues, Oscar receives a more modern plastic garbage container. Sadly though, the new receptacle has an air-tight lock designed to keep a newly homeless Ernie out. Oscar suffocates and the neighbourhood must now figure out how to properly mourn someone they didn’t really like.”
Reimagined covers of romance novels. My favorites are “For the Love of Scottie McMullet” and “Lord of the Tube Socks”.
Authorial Candy Bars, with Their Respective Tag Lines, That Weren’t as Successful as the Oh Henry! Candy Bar. “Mrs. Dalloway Treats — ‘Woolf these down!’” and “Chaucer Sweet Cheese Bar — ‘Of harmes two the lesse is for to cheese.’”
Fictional Iron Chef match-up between Thomas Keller and Heston Blumenthal of Fat Duck. Arguing over food science has never been so interesting.
Future winners of the New Yorker cartoon caption contest. “I love being wealthy in the Hamptons.”
An open letter to the Kansas School Board. “Let us remember that there are multiple theories of Intelligent Design. I and many others around the world are of the strong belief that the universe was created by a Flying Spaghetti Monster.”
One of my favorite Dashboard widgets is the Weather widget. It’s been pretty hot and sunny for the last few weeks here in NYC so I’ve been seeing quite a few pictures of my favorite yellow celestial object depicted on the widget. I recently had a chance to sit down with Mr. Sun, a long-time resident of both our solar system and the blogosphere, and I asked him about his Weather widget representations. Here’s a portion of our interview:
Jason: How did the Weather Dashboard widget project come about?
Mr. Sun: Funny story. I’m kicking back, combustin’ some rhymes, and this spacecraft approaches me. I’m about to throw a flare upside its flimsy-ass hull, when I notice it is sending a message out into the heliosphere.The damn thing is in Apple format, and I have Windows - so I have to download a special viewer. I finally decode the thing, and it’s from Steve Jobs about an “insanely great” idea. I vaguely knew about him, because I’d been doing some advance work for Satan on how best to burn Gates for eternity. I’m a special consultant, basically. Anyway, I figured — what the heck? So, that’s how it started. Look, what network are you with again? I don’t recognize you.
Jason: Is this the type of work you want to be doing at this point in
your 4.5 billion year career?
Mr. Sun: Look, I’m not going to radiate sunshine up your you-know-what. I’m struggling. Back in the day, I had a great agent — Nicolaus. Not the brightest guy in the cosmos, but totally devoted to me. He made me feel like I was the center of the universe. I remember I worked with Frank Capra on Our Mr. Sun. Just between you and me, that guy was a little too sunny even for me — ringing bells and angels wings — whatever. Then, there was the “Pee-wee incident” involving an unfortunate choice I made in a public setting. I know it’s no excuse, but I’ve warned you people to wear those glasses. I was in a slump. I started to get mean, sloppy, and pathetic. I wasn’t combusting properly — I had bad gas. So yes, I agreed to lend my likeness to the OS X weather widget. Is it where I want to be right now? No. Is it an honest gig? Yes, I think so. I’ve been thinking about starting a blog anyway; someone needs to let those other Sun Shadys know they are just imitating.
Jason: But do you really need any more exposure? You’ve got the most prime advertising position in the world — 5 or 6 billion people a day can see you by just looking up — what more are you looking for?
Mr. Sun: Eyeballs. Is that all you Internet types ever think about? You want to know who had a lot of eyeballs on him? Mahir. Do you want to be that guy for even one minute? I KISS YOU !!!!! You ask me how I can want more. Let me tell you a story that may help you understand. When I was younger, I watched Daedalus and his son fly just beneath me, soaring out of captivity on wings made of feathers stuck with wax to a flimsy wooden frame. Drunk with freedom, Icarus looked directly at me. I felt the panic of his watchful father, but I was mesmerized by his youthful passion. I met his gaze. He moved toward me and the rest they call myth. I made a vow that day to never stay still. Yes, I am fixed in the sky — but not at my core. The fire that sustains me is fueled by the memory of what it took for Icarus to make his way to me, and the debt I owe for my part in his fall to earth. I can’t repay that debt from 93 million miles away, but sitting on your desktop, I can at least start. I am also told the Internet is basically just one gigantic Porn Delivery Device, and I haven’t had any good jacking material since the Soviets from Mir jettisoned their garbage. Did you ever say where you are from? Was it the Wall Street Journal? I’d love to have one of those stencilled sketches of me.
Jason: The photography in this shoot looks more candid than in past shoots by NASA, ground-based astronomers, or vacationing amateurs. In one photo, it looks like you’re crying and in another you appear to be surrounded by a haze of marijuana smoke. Are we finally seeing the real you?
Mr. Sun: Looks can be very deceiving. In this case, however, they are not. Last year, I cried nonstop for three of your earth months. I cried because I burn anyone who comes close to me. I cried because I shine alone in the blackness of space. I cried because just once, I’d like to feel pretty and I know that will never happen. As for the haze of smoke around me, I am made of gas. If I wasn’t churning gas around, you’d all be as frozen as Ted Williams head, so maybe you should think twice before demoting me from life-sustaining star to orbital stoner. Look, I’ve been around the block a time or two when it comes to humanity. At first, you were fearful of me. Later, you worshipped me as a god. Now, you ask me these cynical questions. Fine, no problem. I’ll be around to see the cycle repeat itself a few thousand more times. I’m just a star, an ordinary star. Deal with it.
Thanks for joining us, Mr. Sun.
Some additional questions and answers from the previously linked David Sedaris interview.
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