Love Monteiro's stuff. This one reminded me of something Ryan Holiday from the Daily Stoic has said several times: A measure of good parenting is whether your kids want a relationship with you when they're grown.

I don't have kids, but my siblings and I spend a lot of time with our folks, so they must've done well.

It makes sense that a person who was raised by parents who didn't love them sufficiently feels that the only job of a parent is to make sure their kids feel loved. But I think we all know that parenting is more complicated than that, and that plenty of harm is done by people who were intensely loved by their parents but not taught enough other pro-social behaviors.

Which is to say, maybe we all tend to project a lot. We dislike in our parents what we fear or ashamed of in ourselves; we admire in our parents what we are proud of in ourselves.

My wife and I both have few friends. I am fairly introverted so it's probably by subconscious design, however I don't think I gave my kids a good example to live by in regards to social interactions. As an example I will Irish goodbye whenever I can and even sometimes when I shouldn't and everyone knows it.

One of the good things we did was raise very independent children, almost too independent. They don't need us for anything so they don't just call or stop by unless there is a reason. My brother's kids (he is VERY extroverted) are always dropping by, perhaps to the point you wonder if they can't get their feet on the ground on their own. I don't know.

It's just very hard to gauge how good of a job you did. Both families have fun, successful kids so I guess we both did good, it just looks different.

As a parent of three young children (8, 5, 3), I felt this deeply:

[...] they were so concerned with how things were supposed to be going that they totally missed how things were actually going. Which is that this new amazing human was unfolding before your eyes, and while it might not be the human you were expecting… aren’t they amazing?!?

I constantly get caught up thinking about milestones, progress, and comparison - and this is a good reminder of the old adage, "Comparison if the thief of joy."

I will also say that one thing I've learned most recently is to be more vulnerable and honest with my kids in regards to parenting - that I'm trying my best and I'm not perfect. For example, I told our oldest that I am trying to be more patient, and she's (rightfully) reminded me of that when my patience was wearing thin. Too soon to tell, but I hope that this "we're learning and growing together" approach pays off.

Cats in the Cradle

I've long since retired, my son's moved away
I called him up just the other day
I said, "I'd like to see you if you don't mind"
He said, "I'd love to, Dad, if I could find the time"
"You see, my new job's a hassle and the kid's got the flu"
"But it's sure nice talkin' to you, Dad
It's been sure nice talkin' to you"