This one hits home for me.

I love this. It is so great to break out of the notion that once you're an adult, you hit cruising altitude for 'developmental stages'. And from one 50-ish guy to another: I hear you.

Yup. I'm 52 and the past 1 1/2 years have been the most remarkable period of growth I can recall.

I love this.

We often think, when we’re young, that at a certain age we’ll have it figured out. And then we get to that age and life is still life, and we’re still learning and growing and changing.

But it’s hard to let go of that old feeling, that as adults we should just have it figured out. That other adults have got it figured out.

But they don’t, and we don’t, and we’re all just trucking along as best we can. I think the humility in this is really beautiful.

Highly recommend this book on this exact topic: Mindset: The New Psychology of Success by Carol S. Dweck, Ph.d. https://www.amazon.com/Mindset-Psychology-Carol-S-Dweck/dp/0345472322

My therapist once said to me "This is who you grew up to be." and, like you, it was like a two by four upside the head. Once I began to think about it, I was able to alter a lot of my more toxic behaviors.

I'm 50. Loved this. Thanks.

I never knew it was a developmental stage. Life is just as mysterious and interesting to me as it was when I was a teenager. Maybe more so. The hard part is accepting that everyone can change and maybe in a way that is no longer compatible.

40 over here. Thank you for writing and sharing this.

very very nice

I'm shocked and exhausted by how much growing I'm doing in my late 40s. (It doesn't help that i had my first kid at 42.) I wish i'd been more warned/prepared - somehow i just expected life to get easier, and it... it hasn't.
(sidenote: this is the first time i've seen the word 'perimenopause' from a man, and it warms my heart!)

I’m still kind of disappointed that there aren’t more books explicitly geared towards adults in each age range. Like there are so many good books for kids and teenagers, and where’s my beautifully illustrated, well written album about how to be 45

I think it's also ok to view it as cycles. Sometimes it's ok to be back where you started.

Some kinds of knowledge is accumulated over your life. But as an almost-50-year-old, there are plenty of surprising things I forgot I already learned (or learned multiple times).

Emotionally, once I "moved past" the chaotic growth, heightened hormones and feelings of youth, I found I have forgotten how to deal with those things. And the emotional lessons I'm wrestling with and learning now, I try to teach my children but they are often already well-versed.

Same crossroads, different season.

Achewood got it right: "A man is many of his ages at each moment."

https://achewood.com/2013/11/08/title.html

literally can't tell you how much i needed to hear this in this moment, right now, today. Thanks brother!

"Developmental Stage" is such a smart way of conceptualizing it.

I'm 51 and not sure how deeply I would have felt this when I was younger. Based on how many late-40's/early 50's are feeling this post, maybe our "developmental stage" is ... realizing that we're always growing?

Loving the post and these comments. I have a PhD in 'developmental psychology' -- which is an entire field devoted to this concept that humans are continually evolving, learning, and changing. If you're interested: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Developmental_psychology

I'm also a big fan of the idea that we're continually going through different 'seasons' of life. Planting seeds, sprouting them, harvesting. Sometimes there are seasons like winter -- when things feel stagnant. Seeing it as a season is helpful to know 'this too shall pass'. There are also seasons of growth -- and even then, it's helpful to see it as a season so we don't expect life to be so fruitful or generative. I think I attribute this more to my spiritual life and experiences as a Quaker and in Al Anon.

Can you give me your therapists number?

Just kidding...maybe...but that is a way of looking at yourself that can make a huge difference. Thanks for sharing this.

I learned once from a series of tweets that feeling stupid is basically just the feeling that you have while learning hard things, but that was about math stuf, and your post now generalizes this to everything :) Thanks!

Reading this post and replies, a deep calm settled on me. Your site’s changing, colorful discs felt perfect. I’m going to tuck this post away in my 50k-feet note, to help me remember/reset on life perspective every so often. 🙇

I wish I could heart/star/favorite all of the comments here already.

My first thought: Thank you Jason for sharing. My mind is blown and it helps explain a lot for me right now.

My second thought: I need a much better therapist.

Recently read a little gem, "Gift From The Sea" by Anne Morrow Lindbergh, which includes thoughts on stages in life. Turning 50 this year, the later/middle age portion (same as your therapist's comment) resonated:

"For is it not possible that middle age can be looked upon as a period of second flowering, second growth, even a kind of second adolescence? It is true that society in general does not help one accpet this interpretation of the second half of life. And therefore this period of expanding is often tragically misunderstood. Many people never climb above the plateau of forty-to-fifty. The signs that presage growth, so similar, it seems to me, to those in early adolescence: discontent, restlessness, doubt, despair, longing, are interpreted falsely as signs of decay. In youth one does not as often misinterpret the signs; one accepts them, quite rightly, as growing pains.”

This post and all the comments resonate with me as well, a fellow person in their 50s. You always hear about how people this age get to their “don’t give a fuck, just living my best life” stage. I’m not there, and can sometimes feel like I’m doing it wrong. This is a good reminder to focus on the growth. Definitely something I’m going to think through and come back to.

A big "ditto" to the lovely comments here. Just read my journal from 52 and was surprised by the varieties and depths of the challenges and, five years later, to see how much is different--and me, too. I'm grateful for my 87 yo dad for many reasons, including the opportunity to witness "outer old age" and see how he is facing challenges--both familiar and unfamiliar. Meanwhile, sending warmth and care to all.