“Third Things” Can Make Communication Easier
I ran across an interesting term/concept in Miranda July’s All Fours: third things. A character in the book attributes it to “the Quakers” and describes it like so:
It’s a topic of conversation that doesn’t belong to either party. The soul, usually so shy, can speak more easily through this Third Thing, at a slant.
It’s unclear if Quaker author Parker J. Palmer coined this term, but his 2004 book A Hidden Wholeness popularized the concept of third things. From The joy of third things:
In his book A Hidden Wholeness: The Journey Toward an Undivided Life, Quaker writer Parker J. Palmer talks about “third things,” how people can make emotional connections while talking about something they’re experiencing together. This can happen when people attend a concert or play, view a painting or even watch a baseball game.
Palmer believes that the soul is shy and that asking another person to immediately share something very vulnerable can scare them off. Connecting while engaged in third things is a gentler way to communicate.
Many people have fond memories of special conversations that transpired while they were doing the dishes with a parent or going fishing with a friend. This third thing they do together makes it easy and comfortable for them to converse more deeply, often without even making eye contact.
Many of the best conversations I have with my kids are facilitated by third things: watching a movie, playing video games, kicking a soccer ball around, playing mini golf, or running errands in the car. Conversation is no different that any other activity (like, say, shooting free throws or dancing): it’s much easier and open when you’re not actually thinking too hard about it.
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Emily Dickinson wrote: “Tell all the truth, but tell it slant.”
Tell all the truth but tell it slant —
Success in Circuit lies
Too bright for our infirm Delight
The Truth's superb surprise
As Lightning to the Children eased
With explanation kind
The Truth must dazzle gradually
Or every man be blind —
This is lovely. Thank you for sharing.
This feels like a private version of the public third place. Where the local park builds the feeling of community, fishing with my brother at the local park helps build our connection to each other.
I love this essay that Donald Hall wrote about his marriage with Jane Kenyon, which is called "The Third Thing."
This is why my hubs and I have our best convos in the car
Wow. I just listened to the latest episode of the Hidden Brain podcast about connecting with other people and "third things" feels like a great complement to it. Some great timing.
This is why so many people make friends at school and work. The activity they do together is the Third Thing.
Or in a website reply system.
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